8 Barbed Wire
Who gets them: Amateur body builders/professional d-bags
Where they get them: Around their biceps.
For the life of me I can’t possess what makes people want to put barbed wire on their bodies. What is this, extreme capture the flag and you’re protecting your arm from foreign invaders? Ask any person with a barbed wire tattoo what they do for a living and they’ll say, “well, right now I work as a telemarketer, but I’m thinking about quitting to pursue MMA more seriously.”
7 Cross
Who gets them: People who like Jesus, but don’t necessarily love him enough to go to Church or read The Bible.
Where they get them: Upper arm.
Getting religious symbols, whether they are of Christian, Islamic, Buddhist or Jewish (alert!) influence are utterly terrible. These posers think the “Old Testament” is an old copy of Tiger Beat they have in their room with Jonathan Taylor Thomas on it.
6 Cherries
Who gets them: Girls who are willing to let a tattoo artist work in close proximity to their vaginas.
Where they get them: Just north of their Mason Dickme Line.
If you’re ever in the lovely situation where a girl is letting you take her pants off and you spot a cherry tattoo, immediately rethink your decision of proceeding forward. It’s like buying produce at the dollar store, sure you can do it, but it’s probably going to result in paying a visit to the doctor for some antibiotics.
5 Flowers
Who gets them: Every single girl between the age of 18-25.
Where they get them: Any place that isn’t covered by a bikini.
Where they should get them: Sprouting out of their surely massive bushes.
Why do women get flower tattoos? It’s simple really. They think they’re “edgy” yet “classy.” Essentially, the flower is to the tattoo world like the mullet is to the world of haircuts. Purveyors of this shitty ink will look back at pictures of themselves ten years down the road, after they’ve popped out a couple of babies turning their flat stomachs into upside down soup bowls and think, “this lily tattoo is starting to look more and more like an ornery varicose vein.”
4 Anything Asian-Inspired (dragon, koi fish, Margaret Cho)
Who gets them: Guys who are in a “band” and girls who want to blow those same guys in a “band’s” trombone.
Where they get them: On their arms, creating a full-sleeve.
People who consider their tattooed bodies as a constant work in progress undoubtedly have an Asian theme tying them together. I’ve got news for you; your Asian-inspired-enthused-enthralled-homage to their culture is housed underneath a piece of clothing that was made in a sweatshop in that very same region.
3 Nautical Star
Who gets them: Guys who look like girls and girls who look like guys.
Where they get them: On their elbows.
These tattoos got really popular, really quick. In fact, they became such a part of the tattoo and musical zeitgeist that getting one came with a complimentary inner lip number that spelled out “emo.” If you ever need to bum an American Spirit or borrow some eyeliner, just look for the guy or girl where you can’t tell who is who.
2 Fairy/Butterfly/Anything With Wings
Who gets them: Girls who want guys to know that they like sex more raw than sashimi.
Where they get them: In the body region that is known for heavy precipitation due to the doggystyle pull out method.
Oh, the winged tramp stamp. How we love you. There you are, colorful and whimsical, having been placed in such a location that you’re constantly playing second fiddle to the women’s butt crack. Any girl who owns a tramp stamp has definitely stolen a pair of earrings from Claire’s Boutique in her lifetime. That’s all I have to say about that.
1 Initials/Names
Who gets them: People who should attend Derek Zoolander’s Center for Children Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.
Where they get them: Across their heart.
They’re your initials. I repeat. They. Are. Your. Initials. And your name. I always thought the definition of narcissism was going home after work, stripping down to your birthday suit and staring at your chiseled torso in a full-length mirror. As it turns out, it isn’t. Getting a tattoo of your own name is.
